Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - July 2009

01/07/09  ||  Global Domination

Vomitory: Carnage euphoria

8/10

Lord K: In one of the best editions of Audio Autopsy in quite some time, Vomitory takes a complete euphoric piss on their colleagues in here and walk away easily with the trophy saying “Death Metal Champions Of The World”. If you are not a fan of this band – you are not a fan of death metal. If Vomitory is not on your to-buy list within an hour I will kill you fucken all. Sentence: A life-long stay in my stereo for all things Vomitory. 9

Kampfar: Vomitory anno 2009 is a fine-tuned machinery of death out to take lives but no prisoners. Yes, there are moments when the blasting turns a wee bit tedious, a wee bit, but first and foremost “Carnage euphoria” is an excellent slab of violent, aka proper, death. 9

The Duff: A much loved band around these parts, equally prolific, it seems like just yesterday they released “Terrorize Brutalize and Other Intimacies”. “Carnage Euphoria” is, as expected, high quality death metal, once more with a gut-churning production, but as always I’m not swayed into the Vom-camp with their latest material. 7

Abyss: Just like Necrophobic, Vomitory only improves with age. The balance between intense d-beat/blast-fests and punishing Bolt Thrower heaviness was found on “Terrorize, brutalize, sodomize” and is further perfected on “Carnage euphoria”. Just listen to the break in “Serpents” or the intro riff to “A lesson in virulence” and bang the night away. The only thing I don’t think the guys can top is the extremely gory artwork for “TBS”, that one’s a classic! 8

CadenZ: Is there any band in the world right now that is more death metal than Vomitory? I doubt it. This is brutality deluxe. An odd thing is that for Swedes, they sound surprisingly American: me not too thrilled. “Carnage Euphoria” isn’t bad by any standards, it’s just not quite my cup of tea. Or well, it is, it just doesn’t have the exact right flavor or extra spike to it. Well-performed and – written though, this is a solid release. 7

Sanctification: Black reign

7.8/10

Lord K: Completely excellent death metal on all accounts where Nils Fjällström’s drumming is the cream of the cum. Sanctification’s debut had the material but not the production. “Black reign” has the material and the production. A winning recipe for death metal success. Sentence: Get a steady line-up and record more death metal. 8

Kampfar: Oioioi, this is fucking excellent. 9

The Duff: Solid death metal; always a band with never enough recognition, I hope this is their breakthrough album because they’ve been doing nothing but kicking ass since their beginnings, yet disgracefully have nothing to show for it. 7

Abyss: Easily one of the best death metal albums of 2009 along side Vomitory. This is everything “Misanthropic salvation” was not. The production is crisp, clear, heavy and not overly digitalized. The vocals are very impressive to come from an unknown like Kristopher Hell and the riffs and harmonies are oh my god… If I were to list the top tunes I’d end up listing the whole album save one or two songs, but in the absolute top are definitely “Storm”, “Dead forever” and “Raw”. I’m very, very fucking impressed. 9

CadenZ: No mercy found here, just a big ol’ pounding of all that is fair and sacred. Competent and hard death metal, as in bone hard. Or boner, depending on the amount of blue pills digested. Big minus for the vocals though, they just tend to suck for the most part. Sometimes his “normal” voice cuts through too much for my liking, and there’s some omnipresent nasty high-pitched overtone which doesn’t appeal to me at all. The record also has a tendency of dulling the mind after a while, which is (almost) never a good sign. Gotta love that ride cymbal sound though! 6

Necrophobic: Death to all

7.4/10

Lord K: “Revelation 666” is the perfect example for how vicious, blasphemous and catchy as fuck black/death should sound. I take a bow to Necrophobic for staying satanic and keeping their shit in check, album after album. Sentence: Stay true. 8

Kampfar: “Death to all” is a 10 out of 10 title. And, although not entirely of the same mold, I enjoy Necrophobic’s black&death spiced with something Norse as well. 7

The Duff: I’m resentful towards this band because they’re getting a lot of columns on Blabbermouth, and every time one crops up I think “Sweet, new Necrophag- oh, smelly balls…”. All hilariousness aside, I don’t know what to think of Necrophobic; I really, really dig some of the stuff they’re doing, but on the other hand some of the influences they’ve adopted make “Death to All” appear a jumble of ideas. Also to some this will comprise a plethora of rehashed ideas. 6

Abyss: One of those bands who ave been going forever and only seem to improve while others fall to the wayside. Prime blackened death metal with just the right amount of hellfire, melodies and speed. For those who stayed satanic, I salute thee! 7

CadenZ: Relentless and pounding Swedeath with blackish elements, that’s what we know Necrophobic has in store for us year in, year out. “Death to all” is no exception. Is it as good as their earlier (90’s) albums? No. Is it any good at all? Yes. Is it awesome? Hmm… I’d have to go with no, not really. So it’s another typical Necrophobic album and it’s good, but not awesome? Nailed it! 7

The Legion: A bliss to suffer

6.8/10

Lord K: I really dug The Legion’s last album and looked forward to hearing this. Their melodic black metal is executed professionally and they incorporate the needed melody and atmosphere that I look for in black metal. That, and they also understand the value of a good production (even if it comes across as a little thin at times, much like with fellow Sweden’s Naglfar’s productions). Sentence: 2 months in a great studio to make good things even better in the future. 7

Kampfar: I’ve been a fan of The Legion and their blast-ridden black ever since I first heard “Unseen creation” back in ’03. Okidoki, here are indeed blasts aplenty but the baleful Swedes in question got breakdowns and fine details enough to make sure I stay genuinely not bored the whole way through. Yet again. 8

The Duff: Black/death, too unashamedly so for a band called The Legion. Really not bad if you like this sort of thing, but I reckon if Behemoth, Zyklon, Dimmu Borgir and, at a stretch, Belphegor already occupy some of your collection, then this’ll be a fleeting listen. 6

Abyss: I’ve always expected The Legion to be one of those super-fast Marduk bands but apparently they are much more subdued and cater more to the mid-tempo “riff the fuck out”-kind of black metal. I would really like to like this, in theory the band do most things right, but I just feel that there’s more interesting stuff out there. 5

CadenZ: A melodic black metal band with symphonic elements that doesn’t suck? Congratulations, corpse painted tremolo lovers – The Legion is in da house! “A Bliss to Suffer” sounds evil, torturous and above. Above as in “we are above you, worm, and this is majestic proof thereof!” I could’ve asked for catchier songs, but the atmosphere is right there and variation is to be found in just the right amount of plenty. I was very skeptical to this record when people started raving about how “this is how Dimmu Borgir should sound” or how “this is Naglfar’s younger, more virile, brother”. Well, you can once and for all count me out of the skeptic herd. 8

Daath: The concealers

6.2/10

Lord K: If it wasn’t for the extremely loud mixed kicks, this would be more than a decent album. Daath’s got themselves some potential, now all they need to do is to properly find it. Sentence: Convince people to not call you Daath Vader. 5

Kampfar: I once wrote a review on Daath, and I still like the album, namely “The hinderers”, but the review is shit. No false modesty here, it is a genuinely crap piece of scribbling courtesy of me that one. “The concealers”, on the other hand, much like their debut, isn’t very manure at all. But, since last me and Daath Vader met, shitty lots more faenskap has found a home in my head. Buhu, for not only have I evolved into a much better writer, thanks to myself, but I’ve also attained a level of rage and desperation I didn’t even know was attainable back then. Quality shit, but in the end not very exciting. Hand over some doom, gloom and bloody murder already. 6.

The Duff: There’s no doubt these guys can play, and some of the riffs are good, but it’s like Shadows Fall without balls (yes, that is correct), “toff-guy” metal and easy-listening Soilwork along with bland metalcore (not Shadows Fall with balls, MEGA-FUCKEN-LOL), hints of da X-treme, a production far too slick and tiring hardcore vocals – I remember these guys bursting onto the scene, and never checked up on their debut despite positive-ish reviews; well, either the band has slipped up here or the praise was unjustified, because there’s nothing much excitable here, and such music consequently has no staying power. 4

Abyss: This is a band that surprised me when I heard their first album, expecting mediocre metalcore I instead got some sort of take on melodic death metal with a good sense of melody and nice solos. On “The concealers” the vocalist is new and the keyboardist is gone but other than that it sounds all fine! 7

CadenZ: “The Concealers” will surely be on my “Top 5 of 2009”-list, no question about it. Groovy and technical death/thrash metal with absolutely amazing songs and mind-blowing musicianship. The arrangements are top-notch as well, with lots of small details that make the big picture so much bigger, like for example the pumping bass on the verse of “Self-corruption Manifesto”, the tasty solos with harmonies in just the right spots or the subtle FX thrown in here and there (like the outro of “The Unbinding Truth” – spooky/crazy!) OK, gotta go pick up my jaw from the floor. 9

Paganizer: Scandinavian warmachine

6/10

Lord K: Dirty, boring, standard death metal without all the good shit that made dirty, standard death metal completely golden back in the day. This time around I’m not even impressed by Rogga’s (usually awesome) vocals. Is it the fact that they are too far back in the mix? Fuck if I knew, Paganizer will appeal to all of you who dig death metal and crave nothing out of it anyways. Too little finesse for me, but hey… Sentence: 400 lessons of death metal songwriting. Vocal coach usually not needed. 4

Kampfar: I stand behind every word I wrote here. 8

The Duff: I was expecting epic grey metal, maybe even some power, and got Viking/death, like Amon Amarth meeting Bloodbath atop a hill of the skulls and blood of lesser bands; mayhap a necro-squicking gangbang to the tones of buzzsaw guitars could ensue. Goddamn it the temperature in here is intolerable, I’m bothered and drained of ideas – this is good; entertaining; bread and butter. Nothing I’ll be spinning in a day’s time ‘cos I already have Amon Amarth and Bloodbath, but the band deserves exposure for the quality of the music presented here. 7

Abyss: Rogga is a great vocalist, we all know that. He’s also pretty damn skilled at writing death metal and he’s very very productive. Unfortunately he’s also quite crappy at choosing which songs to be included on his Paganizer/Ribspreader albums, resulting in 16 tracks on “Scandinavian warmachine”. Are there good songs here? Sure, I dare you to fish them out. 5

CadenZ: A melancholic warmachine with aggressive Scandinavian manners, or rather a melancholic Scandinavian with aggressive warmachine manners? I’m thinking the latter. Paganizer plays DM somewhat reminiscent of Amon Amarth but a bit harsher and more old-school. Don’t know why I think of AA, can’t hear any Viking toodeloos or anything… must be the melancholic harmonies. And some of the riffs. And drum beats. And Rogga’s vox are not that far off from The Hegg’s. Or maybe I’m just totally out there, who cares; this here disc has some nice death metal on it but 16 (!) songs is pushing it, hard. Almost made me drop a point off the score. Oh, wait, it did. 6

Lay Down Rotten: Gospel of the wretched

6/10

Lord K: Germans, huh? Yes? No? Fuck if I knew. I have a feeling these guys are Bratwursts… Fuck it either way. I like Germany. They have hockey hairdo’s (which is a better name than “mullet”), they have (had?) Blümchen and on the minus side of things they have the shit organization that is the disgrace Wacken. They also have some good things musicwise; old Kreator, old Destruction, old Sodom, old Holy Moses and old Uwe Krupp. Lay Down Rotten place themselves somewhere in the middle of the shit and the good with their half death (and thrash) metal, sometimes inspired by the cheesiness of Amon Amarth’s cheese guitars – only Amon Amarth do those quite convincingly. This coverage is a lot funnier if LDR aren’t from Germany. I can’t be arsed to check. Sentence: 2 weeks in a padded cell with nothing but Holy Moses’ “New machine of Lichtenstein”. Not that they sound anything alike, but it’s a fantastic album. And so is Martin van Drunen. 5

Kampfar: Blah, even though Dan Swanö is the one responsible for catching “Gospel of the wicked” onto plastic, and along with Martin van Drunen do guest appearances on tambourine, this album remains a standard piece of death. It has the occasional really rather good part, hail Top Gear, but all too often it just slogs along. And, it’s about as wicked as a nun faithful to her bullshit god of choice. 6.

The Duff: I must commend them on the Martin van Drunen worship if it isn’t actually Martin van Drunen providing guest vocals, because it is done immaculately. It probably is Martin van Drunen, isn’t it. Anyways, a good album, Swedodeath, a little hit and miss but few complaints. The vocals are pretty sick but the only true standout (and I’m not so keen on such a monotonous, deep and overbearing style anyways), and overall I think the production lets this album down; not a fan of insanely clean productions unless it’s insanely technical death metal, which this isn’t. 5

Abyss: If you’ve always wanted a mix of Amon Amarth, Dark Tranquillity (sans keyboards) and a small dose of late era-Aborted chances are that Lay Down Rotten will stroke your goat in all the right ways. Personally I find that I dig this a lot. It’s not terribly original and there’s not too many surprises (unless you count the appearance of Martin van Drunen, I didn’t know he was a guest vocalist and I almost crapped my pants when he started choking), but the melodies are well crafted and the singer has taken more then one cue from Johan Hegg. So yeah, this is good shit, even though they’re German. 7

CadenZ: Kick-ass beginning on this disc; a convincing guitar solo, some nice semi-old school riffage and tasty melodies make my death metal day every day! All these ingredients are present during the course of the record, and we’re also treated to furious blastbeats, better-than-average growls and a killer production, especially on the drums – they sound fucken killer! Had to check out who mixed and mastered this fucken shit, and lo and behold if it isn’t fucken Dan Swanö, who the fuckety fucken else! Yes, I like typing and overusing “fuck”, deadly fucken combination. Summa freakin’ (a-ha! Gotcha!) summarum, my retarded ears have detected a swarm of some good shit coming from the general direction of LD-fucken-R. Bon appétit! 7

1349: Revelations of the black flame

5.8/10

Lord K: If these guys are lucky I will end up listening to this album more than 1,349 times, and I mean that as in 1 and almost a half time. I wouldn’t bet any money on it though. Possibly very tr00, definitely very grim and absolutely full of completely meaningless sounds where real music is abandoned… How I long for the new Dark Funeral album. Sentence: Corpsepaint 24/7. 2

Kampfar: Up until now, 1349 has been addicted to amphetamine. These days, however, heroine is obviously the shit. Me liked them better when they were strung out on speed. 6.

The Duff: BM has become my new death metal, considering I’ve immersed myself in the latter almost solidly for five years and taken in I reckon all it has to offer. 1349 receive a lot of talk along with a couple of other up-and-coming bands such as Deathspell, Aura Noir and Absu; don’t know how they all compare (well, Deathspell Omega eat them alive amidst a pentagram of candles and goat intestine), but I shan’t be pursuing this band as if I transfer my compulsive purchasing affliction onto this sub-genre given the current financial climate I’ll be like Dirk Diggler masturbating for coke money in some white trash’s, just with a fetus penis instead of a tree trunk. Is there a market for that [/hopeful]? After the slow introduction to the album and the subsequent boring as fuck Rammstein riff, we’re greeted with a mixture of nice atmospherics, quality black metal riffing, pedestrian Venom worship and mediocre interludes – a mixed bag of sorts, but not a bad album by a long stretch. 6

Abyss: Something has happened with the Norwegian speedfreaks and I don’t know if it’s due to old age or just an urge to diversify, but I can honestly say that “Revelations of the black flame” is my favourite album from 1349, simply because it’s the one I can remember best. Songs shift from lurching heaviness to outright speedfests and it all sounds pretty fucking great! 8

CadenZ: Eerie. As much black ambient as black metal, this is not what I expected from 1349… but I’m actually pleasantly surprised. “Revelations of the Black Flame” could be a soundtrack to a sinister short film. The atmosphere ranges from black to black, with long passages and a few whole tracks filled with nightmarish effects, keyboards, screams and other occult ear candy. Dirty and malicious, me like. 7

Susperia: Attitude

5.4/10

Lord K: Is it a penis with a mouth on the cover? If so, this one gets a 9. Oh, it’s not? Then this score needs to be lower. Sentence: Use a penis with a mouth on the next cover. 5

Kampfar: Aiaiai, who ordered this semi-decent copy of Testament? 5

The Duff: Sounds like Susperia are consistent as always; I lost track of them by album number three, but this does sound a little less thrash-oriented and more eerie as with “Vindication”. The album artwork doesn’t look as cool as it should do, for some reason – maybe it’s the massive Mickey Mouse chompers. 6

Abyss: I’m not sure I like the direction Susperia has taken lately. Granted, their songs are for the most part well put together and there’s definitely knowledge and experience here, but the vocals of Athera is… not cool. Honestly, I’d probably dig him like hell in another band, probably one with tight leather pants and studded codpieces as required clothing for the members, but here he just doesn’t fit. Give Susperia a try, you may like them, or agree with me. It’s all 50/50 I feel. 5

CadenZ: Modern day Testament/Iced Earth, but not at their forefathers’ level. Not yet, anyway. The singer has a charismatic voice, but his output (which seems to aim for the same high note in every song’s chorus) gets a little repetitive after a few songs, as do the riffing and drumming as well. A refreshing breeze of new Scheisse is let in when Susperia load up the heavier artillery in the fifth track, “Sick Bastard”. The moment does, however, pass, and the overall impression of the album is that though quite good, it lacks the higher peaks. Big minus for the blatant rip-off on “Mr Stranger” as well; the intro is taken straight out from Old Man’s Child’s “What Malice Embrace” from “The Pagan Prosperity”. I can just imagine Galder getting a copy of “Attitude” from his former band mates (three of five Susperia members have been part of OMC at one time or another) and sputtering coffee/wine/blood all over when track seven kicks in… 6

Jungle Rot: What horrors await

4.8/10

Lord K: Shit moniker, shit death, shit thrash, shit pretty much everything. Jungle Rot is another example of a band not deserving a record deal with so many awesome unsigned bands around deserving it a fuckload more. This is like every other death metal band you heard and never gave a shit about. Sentence: A camping trip with nothing but Lady GaGa cd’s. That is punishment as good as any. 4

Kampfar: Me digs simplistic death when the oomph is right and the vocals ace. Fucking hell, such shit makes me wanna stomp people in the face. Unfortunately, Jungle Rot is more like a so and so, quite OK variant of said sorts. Better than nowadays SFU, but “What horrors await” is still miles away from severely moisting my mancunt. 5.

The Duff: I cannot express the relief one experiences following Dead By April with Jungle Rot – although not exactly my cup of tea (death n’ roll, Entombed/Unleashed-style combined with a more mainstream variety and doom, quite Asphyx-y, along with bits and pieces of death/thrash), this album has some killer grooves, astounding guitar tone and truly gruesome vocals. 8

Abyss: Jungle Rot has gotten some decent reviews for their various albums but I’m yet to find anything that’s really memorable about the band, other than the name. Death metal by SFU-numbers. 3

CadenZ: Meat-and-potatoes death metal Obituary/Six Feet Under-style. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been much better. The riffs are OK but very stale and dull, and not the least bit innovative. The song-writing is very simple and uncomplicated, and that’s not a good thing when the riffs don’t hold up. We’re also blessed with a kick drum sound that cuts through everything, and not in a good way. I guess this album doesn’t suck, but I will never ever listen to it again. Yeah, it’s that meh. 4

Tim Ripper Owens: Play my game

4.6/10

Lord K: Wow, isn’t Mr. Ripper extremely irritating these days? I kinda enjoyed that Beyond Fear or B.T.O (or whatever the fuck it was called) album he did some years back, I guess I’ll have to listen to that one instead of this whining heavy-metal-with-no-balls shit. I’m not even taking a liking in Tim’s vocals on this one and I usually consider him quite pleasant to listen to. Sentence: Tim and Rob Halford in a dark room with 65 dildos, a machine-gun, Judas Priests’s “Defenders of the faith” and a gallon of Vaseline. 4

Kampfar: I hate Tim Owens. I didn’t know that, but after 1 song only it is very evident that I do. Woha, the 2nd song is here. Now I hate him and his Dio parody twice as hard. Fuck off. 2

The Duff: For the sake of connecting with the retardo-meme generation unable to process original thought, ‘DIS BE A WEEN! 8

Abyss: Yes, Tim Ripper Owens has a very nice voice, but does that excuse him writing subpar songs and releasing it upon the public? I think not. This is like a turd-encrusted cake with a nice succulent strawberry in the middle. A great waste of strawberries in other words. And no, I did not call Owens succulent. That’d be gay. Like really really gay. 4

CadenZ: I don’t really like Owens’ vibrato and his voice sounds somehow restrained, as if he doesn’t get it all out when he sings. Lack of output power in blatant terms. The song-writing is OK, nothing special. Actually this CD is so mediocre it should come with a warning label: “Parental Advisory – Average Content.” The gloomier parts being the least average of the bunch, they’re what I’ll (try to) remember from “Play My Game”. 5

Primal Fear: 16.6 (Before the devil knows you’re dead)

4/10

Lord K: We always end up with idiot bands like this in AA, and that’s half of the fun. The other half is playing with your penis while having to listen to idiot bands like this, trying to summon a stiffy under the circumstances. It’s not easy, people, it’s not easy. Sentence: Forced to wear t-shirts saying “I am a power metal homo” for the rest of your lives. 3

Kampfar: I would rather lick the ass of Richard Gere than buy anything courtesy of Primal Fear. In other words, I still hate power metal. Had this platter been an instrumental I would’ve added 2 points to the score. 3

The Duff: Iron Maiden, power metal, Dream Theater and Mötley Crüe; not terrible, not great. An amazing guitar player, but the music is quite average despite the skill involved. 5

Abyss: At first glance a pretty entertaining power metal album with more than one nod in Judas Priest’s direction and at second glance, well it’s still pretty entertaining and still very reminiscent of the Priest’s entire discography (no “Nostradamus”-stinkers yet though). It’s catchy, mildly stupid, very very German and not very multi-faceted. Think Dream Evil with a wee bit more bottom-end. 5

CadenZ: Traditional and cheesy metal of heaviness with good musicians all over, including the singer. Too bad there’s no soul in this. No emotions, no depth. It’s like eating a meal made out of fantastic and expensive ingredients, but it tastes like wood. No, not the stick in yer pants… or, well, why not? No seasoning allowed, though. 4

Marilyn Manson: The high end of low

3.6/10

Lord K: The last time I cared about Marilyn Manson was… Sorry, I never did. Can’t deny the quality and the fact this commercial crap is well produced though. Sentence: Unfuck Dita von Teese. Fuck was she thinking? 4

Kampfar: “Nah, not for me, but I’d do your most current ex alright”, was what I thought until the intro was over with. After said nothingness had ended, I learned that I quite enjoy Mr. Manson and his crew whenever they erect their fairly massive wall made of buzz. When not, aka most of the time, they need to fuck off and die. 4.

The Duff: I reckon I used to be Marilyn Manson’s biggest fan when I was younger, even going so far as to walk around with the Antichrist sign on my face during… every day (no, not really, but one Halloween some tram-goers sure felt the agony brought on by my wrathful stare). The last material of theirs (or his) I heard of was “Mechanical Animals”, which I really enjoyed, and bits and pieces from the follow-up, “return to form” albums, which I found appealing; the single off the last one was abhorrent beyond comprehension, and so here I am all intrigued – in short, “THEoL” is a continuation of the pop/rock style (less Bowie-centered this time) in which he’s been indulging in recent years with some really horrendous lyrics. 4

Abyss: Mr Manson has gotten real old and bitter lately. Not Alice Cooper-bitter but not too fucking far away. “The golden age of grotesque” was a return to form, I foolishly believed but as it turns out it was just the lucidity the dying display just before they keel over, crap their pants and die. “Eat me, drink me” was the crapping, this is the dying. AND WILL YOU PLEASE STOP FUCKING WRITING THE SAME “THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE” OOMPA-OOMPA SONG OVER AND OVER?! 3

CadenZ: On average, I’ve found the same amount of appeal in listening to Marilyn Manson as in picking up a pile of dog poo off the ground and devouring it with some mustard. This is better. Still, I’d rather throw the dog turd on my sauna heater and smell the fumes for an hour than listen to this again. 3

The Bereaved: Daylight deception

3/10

Lord K: Dark Tranquillity and In Fames called, they want their music back. They also said it didn’t suck this much when they gave it to you in the first place. Last off they told you to stop switching members all the fucken time and get yourselves an own identity musicwise. That, or just terminate the band once and for all. Sentence: Shame. 3

Kampfar: Dear The Bereaved, I have no idea what shithole you crawled out of but hearing your melodic-not-even-close-to-death with a strong hint of MGP, or whatever, is all I need to presume that yer just another collection of lily-livered cuntbags courtesty of Europe… or the US. 2

The Duff: Soilwork phoned and said they want their band back. I think the words they used were “What the fuck is this shit?”. At The Gates then phoned Soilwork and said “Hahahaha”. This sounds like Soilwork right down to the guitar lead tone; the vocals are a bit more raspy than Strid when aggressive, more streamlined when clean. Formerly known as Clone, and I don’t know who the joke’s on. 3

Abyss: Everything you can do, In Flames has already done better and then moved on. 4

CadenZ: Oh no, not again…the Gothenburg-melodeath rip-off onslaught of the metalcore scene of utter shittiness continues with The Bereaved. Some of the riffs are actually quite good (probably ‘cause At the Gates or In Flames already recorded them 15 years ago), and I like the guitar solos… but the shitty synth melodies, weak growls, rip-off riffs and the overall sense of frailty and heart-loss conjure puke reflexes if exposed to for any longer stretch of time. Everything would still only suck, if it weren’t for the momma’s boy clean vocals that make you wanna rip your eyes out and plunge ‘em into your ears just to spare you from hearing the sobby sound of shit emanating from the vocalist’s vile vocal cords. (Alliterations for the win!) So fuck you, Scar Symmetry wanna-bes – you’re light years behind them in every possible way. 3

Dead By April: Dead by April

2/10

Lord K: Pop metal that would appeal to me heaps if Amy Lee sang on it. She’s not, and vocalist Jimmy hardly’s got the same fantastic voice – nor boobs. Disgustingly overproduced, but still catchy and repulsive. Sentence: 52 weeks of listening to Torture Division so you fuckers will grow some balls. 4

Kampfar: Haha…hahahahahahaha. I hope you homo-erotic pussyboys are dead by today/tonight. No kidding, over-emotional shit people like you are the exact reason why (western) Europe will be known as Eurabia before long. Utterly fuck off and die. Aaarrrgghhh, all you gays deserve to be fly-dropped over Africa and get your skinny, white asses gangraped till A.I.D.S. spurt out of your ears. 2.

The Duff: Another recent Soilwork/In Flames band with hints of Skyfire/Children of Bodom with a splurge-full quantity of utter shit. The first track was a real surprise, as it sounded like a blend of real polished nu-metal and pop (witness history in the making, trend setters who I strongly doubt will take the world by storm) – this is garbage metalcore combined with synth, chug bullshit and Boyzone. That is all except IF YOU DON’T FUCKING LIKE IT FUCK OFF AND LISTEN TO BRITNEY AND RIGHT SAID FRED!!!!11 GAYZ. 1

Abyss: You must be fucking kidding me? Please. This is… this is pop. Pure unadulterated N’sync pop with some distorted guitars and screams randomly injected. You know that Simpsons episode where Bart, Ralph, Nelson and Milhouse get suckered into a boyband by the navy? Well the songs they perform sound just like Dead By April. So in other words: Simpsons did it! Yvan eht Nioj. 1

CadenZ: Nails on a chalkboard, out-of-tune yodeling, Harry Potter dubbed in German, door-to-door Jehovah’s witnesses’ rants dubbed in German… all sounds/noises I’d rather listen to than this Swemo whinefest of total suck. Oh, fuck; did I just hear an auto-tuner?! Please kill me now! Or much better; kill Dead By April. Now. Slowly. 2